One little regret.

Tonight I just found out my ex's dad died. A week after we broke up, at the beginning of June, he found out his dad had cancer. Today, through one of our mutual friends, I found out his dad passed away Christmas weekend.

Why begin a blog this way? Well, after hearing about this, I not only feel doubly guilty for hurting him, but I also feel completely unsure of how to, or if, to respond to this. I broke up with him (for these purposes I will refer to my ex as Bob. It's short and concise) for several different reasons.

First of all, we lived 9 hours away from each other. The entire relationship had been long distance and we had never had a chance to spend more than 5 days every other month with each other.

Second, we lived very different lives. He was a very avid marijuana user, while I prefer alcohol as my poison of choice. I am an extrovert, he was not. We also had very different goals. At the beginning of the relationship, I was questioning my desire for a family and children, but as the relationship progressed, I realized that these were very important to me. It became increasingly obvious that Bob did not know what he wanted to do with his life. He expressed an openness to exploring my goals... However, I have decided I need to be with someone who already has the same goals as me. I don't want someone to change in order to make me happy.

Lastly, and most importantly, I struggled to remain loyal throughout the relationship. I had a hard time staying in a mindset that I was a girlfriend and not single. Since we were only together a fraction of the time, I spent most of my time with girlfriends who were single. We went out, flirted, and drank... quite a bit. I ended up cheating on Bob a few different times. I was honest with him each time, and for some reason he "forgave" me each time. Towards the end of the relationship, I became close friends with the man I am now dating. There was sexual tension between us the day we met and it continued to increase the more we hung out. One night, we got drunk and things progressed. After talking about it the next day, I realized that I needed to break up with Bob. I needed to be out of a relationship that forgave me of my cheating and I needed to be in a relationship that I made me want to be loyal and committed. I also needed to find someone with congruent goals. So, I broke up with Bob.

I cried a lot during that week. I felt horrible, but also realized that there was nothing I could do to make it up to Bob. I had been a horrible girlfriend. Bob and I had not been friends before dating and it made it awkward to try and be friends now. I still think I could've been better about the break up and I still feel bad about hurting Bob. I don't know what I could've done or said though to make things better. I feel like words are petty and that, since I hurt him, it would be better if I simply stayed out of it.

I'm horrible with break ups and I've actually never been friends with an ex. I have been 100% faithful to my current boyfriend of 6 months and have vowed to never be in a relationship if I am attracted to other men. I have also made wiser decisions as to who I hang out with and who I drink with and how much I drink. I don't want to be a "cheater" and I never want to hurt someone I care about again.

As far as Bob's dad goes, I cannot express how sad it makes me that his dad passed away. I hate that he found out his dad had cancer a week after I broke up with him and I also hate that 7 months later, his dad died. I wish I could do something.

Anything they can do, I can do better.

Everything below is an opinion. There are many individuals this will not apply to. This is merely a practice in thinking out differences in gender and how individuals react to these differences.

Lately, I've been pondering how a man's mind works when deciding what kind of woman he wants. I tend to hang out with men more so than women. As I watch them play video games, watch movies or even browse the internet, a set of common qualities has risen as to what makes a woman sexy. Famous women, who are wearing next to nothing, who are dirty, sweaty, curvy, who are complete teases are just some of what seem to turn men on. However, when looking at what kind of woman a man wants to date or end up with, the characteristics desired tend to differ. Dancing seductively in public, wearing racy clothes and acting like a tease are not exactly the qualities a man wants in a partner.

The separation seems to occur between reality/relationships and fantasy/entertainment. There are not many men, at least men who I would consider mature and emotionally and mentally healthy, who would want to date a woman who would flaunt her body around in the public eye. I tend to think that a man would not want millions of other men lusting after their girlfriend, fiancee, wife, etc. However, when the woman is an idea, an object, in a sense, meant to be admired for her appearance, inappropriate actions and obvious sexuality are encouraged.

The problem that can occur is that many women are unable to differentiate between the two. Insecurities can arise. Almost every woman I have met cares about her appearance. No matter how much a man may compliment a woman, she almost always looks at herself in a critical way. I have to think that most women care deeply about being attractive to the special man in their life. I, personally, know that all my close girl friends work out, eat healthy, shower, and take time to look good. What can be frustrating is that all the women on television, in movies, in magazines have help. Naturally they do not look that amazing. Whether it is that they spend hours a day working out, pay people to do their hair, or they are simply photoshopped in anything they do, it is unlikely that any Hollywood female is 100% au naturale.

I have taken this realization as an opportunity to work on my self esteem. As I have become an adult, I have become acutely aware of how the media influences what I view as important to how I see myself. Therefore, while trying to better myself, I have also taken time to decide the type of woman I want to be. I want to feel good about myself and I want to find someone who reacts just as strongly to who I am and what I look like as he does to any woman he may see on tv.

Now, say "please."

Today’s society encourages individuals to demand more than they need. We coddle the individuals who complain. Our generation is lazy and thinks we deserve everything without working for it BECAUSE the customer service industry encourages this bad behavior.

Example one. A new hostess at the restaurant I work at accidently gives a customer extra toppings on their granola for free. The customer comes in the next day, asking for the same thing and complains when the price is higher. We politely explain that each employee is supposed to charge for the extra toppings and it must have been a mistake. We then emphasize the fact that she was lucky, in that she received a meal for less than any other customer would receive it. Instead of appreciating her good fortune, the lady continues to complain, stating that she does not understand how an establishment would charge different prices; that, since she received her meal for less initially, she should not have to pay more this time.

What part of this makes sense? Why would an individual feel entitled in such a way? What this lady is failing to recognize is that she got lucky. In every other instance, she would have been charged more to begin with. She would not have gotten a deal and, therefore, she would not have expected to pay less. Also, due to her complaints, the hostess that made an innocent mistake will most likely get in trouble for this situation.

The end result of this situation was that the customer got a deal again. Due to her endless whining, and because “we value our customers” and “the customer is always right,” she gets her granola for less. She is rewarded for her complaining.

Example two. When shopping in a store, I observed two different situations. The first situation I overheard was a sales person talking to a young man. The young man was trying to return a piece of merchandise, speaking calmly and politely. Apparently, an accident had occurred and the man was trying to figure out if the business could replace, or at least assist in fixing, the broken item. The sales person was apologetic but could do nothing in situation. The second situation was a middle-aged woman, slightly red in the face, demanding that someone help her. Her story changed numerous times, but her emotional outburst continued to increase in volume. The sales person, frantic and nervous, was quickly trying to find a superior to help with the situation. From what I could tell, the business not only did everything in their power to fix this lady’s problem, but also offered her more than she had initially purchased.

Now, why does this rude woman, who was most likely lying about her situation, receive compensation, while the polite young man, who was honest, does not? The lesson individuals learn from this is that being honest and calm about problems does not pay off. Only by demanding more than you deserve and being rude about it will you be satisfied in how your situation is resolved.

How different we all are...

Has society demanded, and subsequently achieved, equality for both genders to the point of losing sight and losing appreciation of their differences?

I have come into contact with many, many different kinds of people, male and female. While some basic generalities can be assumed about each gender, I have found that it is each individual that differs greatly. There are men who cringe at hearing any word referring to commitment, while there are men who are actively pursuing the goal of marriage, who have no fear of the future. There are women who would love nothing more than to be a mom and there are women who have no desire to ever come into contact with a child. More so than one gender being asked to be tougher, more independent, less sensitive, less emotional than the other, I have found that our society simply wants each individual to conform to an “American” image of strength and independence.

I think our society needs to embrace the differences in personality found in the world. Women (and men) are emotional beings. Demanding that an individual “toughen up” is belittling the power an emotional individual has in this world. Humans need both extremes. While a less sensitive, less emotional individual may be called to fill a more political role, or simply the role of a leader, a more emotional person is vital when dealing with other situations. Each individual is specially crafted to purposely affect the lives of the others around them. Placing fault on someone for being too sensitive or not sensitive enough is assuming that your way is the right way. When is comes to basic personality traits, there is no wrong or right. All that is required is that individuals take the time to understand each other and appreciate the differences.

In the past, the woman was called upon to be a mother and a wife. The woman was the softer side of the relationship, providing a warm haven for the rest of the family. While at times this view was used to suppress women and prevent them from pursuing intellectual goals, this was also a role that was vital to society. Victorian society did not simply think women were incapable of intellectual thoughts. Some individuals genuinely believed that the roles that women held during this time were vital to the balance of humankind. The man was not viewed as being able to fill this role as women were. Due to the fact that men have tended to be in positions of power or in the limelight, the roles of wife and mother have been viewed as being lower, more subservient, less important. However, this is simply untrue.

As a society, we need to encourage each individual to pursue their own goals, to try and provide the opportunities and means to achieving these goals. However, we need to be careful not to demean the roles which appear to be below others. Many of my female friends face constant ridicule for wanting to be a mother and wife. I also have male friends who think females incapable of being able to fill certain roles or jobs. They think men are simply better at doing certain things. While this may prove true for certain occupations requiring more physical strength, each individual should be able to try. While not every person is equal in their capabilities, each person is equal in the respect that they have the right to try.