One little regret.

Tonight I just found out my ex's dad died. A week after we broke up, at the beginning of June, he found out his dad had cancer. Today, through one of our mutual friends, I found out his dad passed away Christmas weekend.

Why begin a blog this way? Well, after hearing about this, I not only feel doubly guilty for hurting him, but I also feel completely unsure of how to, or if, to respond to this. I broke up with him (for these purposes I will refer to my ex as Bob. It's short and concise) for several different reasons.

First of all, we lived 9 hours away from each other. The entire relationship had been long distance and we had never had a chance to spend more than 5 days every other month with each other.

Second, we lived very different lives. He was a very avid marijuana user, while I prefer alcohol as my poison of choice. I am an extrovert, he was not. We also had very different goals. At the beginning of the relationship, I was questioning my desire for a family and children, but as the relationship progressed, I realized that these were very important to me. It became increasingly obvious that Bob did not know what he wanted to do with his life. He expressed an openness to exploring my goals... However, I have decided I need to be with someone who already has the same goals as me. I don't want someone to change in order to make me happy.

Lastly, and most importantly, I struggled to remain loyal throughout the relationship. I had a hard time staying in a mindset that I was a girlfriend and not single. Since we were only together a fraction of the time, I spent most of my time with girlfriends who were single. We went out, flirted, and drank... quite a bit. I ended up cheating on Bob a few different times. I was honest with him each time, and for some reason he "forgave" me each time. Towards the end of the relationship, I became close friends with the man I am now dating. There was sexual tension between us the day we met and it continued to increase the more we hung out. One night, we got drunk and things progressed. After talking about it the next day, I realized that I needed to break up with Bob. I needed to be out of a relationship that forgave me of my cheating and I needed to be in a relationship that I made me want to be loyal and committed. I also needed to find someone with congruent goals. So, I broke up with Bob.

I cried a lot during that week. I felt horrible, but also realized that there was nothing I could do to make it up to Bob. I had been a horrible girlfriend. Bob and I had not been friends before dating and it made it awkward to try and be friends now. I still think I could've been better about the break up and I still feel bad about hurting Bob. I don't know what I could've done or said though to make things better. I feel like words are petty and that, since I hurt him, it would be better if I simply stayed out of it.

I'm horrible with break ups and I've actually never been friends with an ex. I have been 100% faithful to my current boyfriend of 6 months and have vowed to never be in a relationship if I am attracted to other men. I have also made wiser decisions as to who I hang out with and who I drink with and how much I drink. I don't want to be a "cheater" and I never want to hurt someone I care about again.

As far as Bob's dad goes, I cannot express how sad it makes me that his dad passed away. I hate that he found out his dad had cancer a week after I broke up with him and I also hate that 7 months later, his dad died. I wish I could do something.

Anything they can do, I can do better.

Everything below is an opinion. There are many individuals this will not apply to. This is merely a practice in thinking out differences in gender and how individuals react to these differences.

Lately, I've been pondering how a man's mind works when deciding what kind of woman he wants. I tend to hang out with men more so than women. As I watch them play video games, watch movies or even browse the internet, a set of common qualities has risen as to what makes a woman sexy. Famous women, who are wearing next to nothing, who are dirty, sweaty, curvy, who are complete teases are just some of what seem to turn men on. However, when looking at what kind of woman a man wants to date or end up with, the characteristics desired tend to differ. Dancing seductively in public, wearing racy clothes and acting like a tease are not exactly the qualities a man wants in a partner.

The separation seems to occur between reality/relationships and fantasy/entertainment. There are not many men, at least men who I would consider mature and emotionally and mentally healthy, who would want to date a woman who would flaunt her body around in the public eye. I tend to think that a man would not want millions of other men lusting after their girlfriend, fiancee, wife, etc. However, when the woman is an idea, an object, in a sense, meant to be admired for her appearance, inappropriate actions and obvious sexuality are encouraged.

The problem that can occur is that many women are unable to differentiate between the two. Insecurities can arise. Almost every woman I have met cares about her appearance. No matter how much a man may compliment a woman, she almost always looks at herself in a critical way. I have to think that most women care deeply about being attractive to the special man in their life. I, personally, know that all my close girl friends work out, eat healthy, shower, and take time to look good. What can be frustrating is that all the women on television, in movies, in magazines have help. Naturally they do not look that amazing. Whether it is that they spend hours a day working out, pay people to do their hair, or they are simply photoshopped in anything they do, it is unlikely that any Hollywood female is 100% au naturale.

I have taken this realization as an opportunity to work on my self esteem. As I have become an adult, I have become acutely aware of how the media influences what I view as important to how I see myself. Therefore, while trying to better myself, I have also taken time to decide the type of woman I want to be. I want to feel good about myself and I want to find someone who reacts just as strongly to who I am and what I look like as he does to any woman he may see on tv.